THE STRUGGLE OF BEING MY TRUE SELF


This evening I was reading a post from a woman who taught me a lot. It was her first post for a while and I could see and feel her in every word, in every letter. It inspired me in such a way that I felt the need to write myself…

…so I write in one go without thinking too much, and realise that lately I’ve missed this feeling a bit.

I love writing – when I’m in inner turmoil, when words are burning in my stomach wanting to come out, when I have an unstoppable desire of sharing what I think with the world – in the illusion that, somehow, it can make a small difference.

When I’m feeling like this, my critical brain is silent and for a long moment illusion becomes reality.
It is the moment when words on the screen can touch someone lying on her couch with her mobile.
It is the moment when the huge effort of showing how you deeply feel or what you’ve been through, can connect you with someone you don’t know and let her feel a little bit less alone.
It is the moment when, reading about your experience, your pain, someone takes the first small step toward change.

This is my dream when I write.
For this I choose to overcome the fear which rises before publishing online.
For this I feel all the responsability that comes with it, to make it worthy.
For this single person, for hope, for connection.
For the striving to make a contribution that can make the world a more joyful place.

But how difficult is it to be true to myself while doing it?
How hard is it to offer a piece of who I am, while trying to make it useful for whoever’s reading?

I’m irreverent, straightforward, noisy while laughing, excited by things that I’m passionate about like when I was 17, full of joy, furious when not respected and I love profoundly the people I care about.

But questions crowd into my mind:
How much can I reveal about myself in mywriting?
How far can I go?

I would have never expected that being true to myself would have been so hard.
To know profoundly who I am while I keep on changing.

How many times I am tempted to adapt, to hold myself back, to be more comfortable for those surrounding me, to ask if I’m enough.

But, do you know what? Just the fact of being aware of this temptation, make me feel better. Because today I can see and feel it coming, I can recognise how it bothers me and I do all that I can to give a safe space to my voice.

So, to the chorus of voices, approached with suspicion, creating disorder, who are not adapting, who scream while talking quietly, a deep thank you: you inspire me to be always my true self.

 


If you catch yourself always saying “yes” when you wanted to say “no”.

If what others think is becoming more relevant of what you think.

If you want to go back to you, learn how to listen to your needs and how to take decisions that make you feel good, write me to giada.varvello@gmail.com

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